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Experiencing the world as a mixed race child in the UK wasn’t that bad for me. At the time I suppose you don’t really know why other kids are favoured over you or why you’re not allowed to go into your neigbours/friends from schools house unless you’re taught about it from your parents. I wasn’t so I took it personally and internalised it as the problem being with me as a person as opposed to the colour of my skin. There were two separate occasions where it was made obvious, but even so, it was still internalised. Both of my schools were multicultural and I had a mixture of friends and people that I spoke to. The only thing I can remember from primary school was when I couldn’t do something that someone else was allowed to do when we were on a school trip. This person was my friend and she was white, so was the teacher. I hated that woman. Looking back now I can see how much of a kick she must have got out of it. I moved house just before I was leaving primary school so I switched schools. I didn’t stay there for long because one of the days I was looked at with disgust by a white girl at the dinner table as she felt the need to point out that I was black in front of all her white friends. I told my mom and I said I didn’t wanna stay there so I went back to my old school and finished there. Like primary there was no racism between any of us in secondary. It was outside of school that was the problem. I’ve been called a wog, and like I said earlier, not being allowed to go in certain peoples houses because their parents were racist and they “didn’t want blacks or asians in their house”.

I remember in secondary when my dad told me I’m not allowed to go out with an asian boy. I didn’t listen to him and did it anyway. Twice. No one was gonna tell me who I can and can’t go out with, not even my dad. Which brings me to my next topic. Sexuality. If you met me now you’d probably never think it but I was in serious denial when I thought I might be gay. So I just pushed it down and carried on having boyfriends because that was the “safe” and “normal” thing to do. Then I drifted into being bi. I knew I was gay, I was just scared to admit it and come out to people. Then I finally had the courage to call myself and be known as a lesbian. After that I was proud to be gay. No one was gonna make me feel ashamed of loving women and they never will.

I think the fear of coming out and the internalisation of racism has a lot to do with the fact that we are severely underrepresented in the media, which is one of the biggest influences in the world and in our lives. I’d even say that racism and homophobia/transphobia are perpetuated by the lack of positive representation of minorities in the media. I don’t think this will ever change given who runs the media and what their ultimate agenda is. Let’s take the soaps, I used to watch them all the time. Eastenders, Coronation Street, Brookside, Hollyoaks, Emmerdale. It’s like a ritual for most people. It becomes routine, and even if you’re not watching them you’re gonna hear about them anyway. They’re always set in areas that are predominantly white and have the odd minority thrown in there, just enough to keep us satisfied, but not so much that it’s gonna piss off their beloved targeted audience, which is straight and white. First of all, we live in a multicultural society, so what we’re seeing on TV isn’t even representative of the country we live in. That’s one major sign they’ve got an agenda. Second, if you’re not seeing yourself represented, you’re not gonna feel included and you’re gonna feel like an outsider. Which I think is why a lot of people of colour feel more comfortable around people of the same ethnic origin as them. The same can’t be said if you’re looking at things from a white perspective, you’re consciously and subconsciously seeing and being told that you’re “the norm” and preferable over people of colour.

Another minority group that’s underrepresented are people with disabilities. If all you’re seeing when you turn on the TV or watch films are able bodied people, you’re gonna internalise that as “people like me aren’t good enough or worthy enough to be seen” which is rubbish. The same goes for people who are trans. The first time I saw lesbians on TV was Brookside when they showed a lesbian kiss, then there were multiple characters and storylines on Bad Girls, I don’t think there was anything substantial after that until Sugar Rush came out. The timing for that was impeccable. After that I think it was The L word. I remember being at a house party and it was the end of the night and we were looking for something to watch on TV, and then Shane pops up on the screen lookin all slick and cool and I thought yo, who is that?! My little tomboy heart was singing. Much to my disappointment they carried on flicking through the channels, but we ended up watching Thirteen so every cloud.. I know in the US that Ellen was the first openly gay character to be on TV, I don’t think we had that show here but I think I vaguely remember seeing it on the news. Having the courage to be yourself in a world full of hate and ignorance is commendable and inspiring and it paves the way for others to do the same. We can’t just have one thing or person to look back on, we have to see it all the time so we know there’s a place for us in the world. Before I started watching The L Word (by the way the new series is so good!) I was scouring the internet looking for anything lesbian related I could find, that’s when I found the website AfterEllen. Such a good resource for news and vlogs. Kate McKinnon who’s now the longest running female cast member of SNL and also a movie star was part of a vlog on there, I always wanted to see more of her so it’s nice to see her doing so well. Liz Feldman who now has a series on Netflix. Then there’s me. This is what I mean when I say it’s all mad. If someone told me I’d be who I am now, 12 years ago when I was looking at that website I wouldn’t have believed them. I was too scared to even leave a comment. I never even wanted this. It just happened. Been trying to make the best of it, but when every aspect of your life is being taken from you and made into entertainment or turned into a debate or picked at by greedy, entitled people, it’s hard to stay sane, calm and dignified. That’s why I’ve wanted to take myself out of the equation by taking my own life.

But, opportunities are being shown and it seems like there’s just enough hope to keep me here. That vision I had after I meditated, I described it as a job and I didn’t want to share it because it was personal to me but I might as well just for some added proof that the contents of the book are real. I didn’t get to this part until after it had happened. “Using the visualisations we present in the meditation within this transmission entitled “Architecture of Light – Your Temple” creates activation of the seed point into a certain trajectory. That trajectory is the ‘organic ascension template’, the seed point structure that leads to the full twelve strand DNA formation, carbon to crystalline transformation into the rainbow body of light. If a visual presents that you wish to include as a seed point within your matrix structure leading to a manifestation within your reality, then the aligned response is excitement, joy, gratitude and acceptance.” Divine Architecture and the Starseed Template by Magenta Pixie. The visual was me on a red carpet. Say no more.